More than ten years ago, I was approached by an expat’s cleaning lady who asked if I were interested in taking her daughter for a week, like an au pair*. This arrangement was meant to be an exchange  – her daughter would live with us (an English speaking family), converse/practice English and have free room and board. Her share in this would be taking care my two children (with one in school) and doing easy house work, while I was working.

Sounded like a fair trade, but it turned out to be a complete farce.

First she was to stay with us for a week. I’ll call her Emily (not her real name), a pretty 17-year-old from one of the Eastern Block countries. On the second morning, she informed me she’d stay for two weeks. Well, I thought, there might have been some miscommunication. I knew I had said one week, but “when in doubt, throw it out”. I apply the same principle to my fridge, and mind.

She had arrived on a Saturday evening and we let her have Sunday off, of course. As a matter of fact, my husband played tour guide for her and took her down to Frankfurt, while I stayed home minding the kids and working. Uuuuhhh, it’s so nice to have a live-in child carer. Too bad I wasn’t the one out.

That evening, I informed her of what was to be expected from her for the week to come, such as getting up at 8am, help take care of the children as soon as I started teaching, help with the shopping, etc. I had to get up at 6:30 to get ready for work and figured 8am would be a reasonable time to take over. I did not know the sleeping life of a teenager then.

Monday morning, I tried to wake her up  six times. She finally did get up, when my student sat down for her lesson, with Emily in bed right next to our desk. This pattern continued for two weeks. At first, I felt embarrassed for this lack of professionalism on my side. But I tell you, with each day it got easier. I just introduced the sleeping teenager as my “helper around the house”. My students looked confused, but I carried on.

When I reminded her of her duties, she acknowledged them each time by saying, “OK, OK, OK!” and then she walked away. Once I had asked her to vacuum before my next lesson and she made no move towards it. I was worried she’d pick up the vacuum cleaner at the worst time, when it needs to be quiet during the baby’s nap time. I needn’t have worried. She never even picked up the vacuum cleaner once.

Emily slept in the teaching room. I ended up taking care of my daughter while teaching at the same time. While I was teaching in the morning, Emily would leave her bed then and continue sleeping on the couch. When I went back to teaching in the afternoon, she stayed on the couch to watch MTV. Once or twice every hour, I had to get up to ask her to turn down the volume. When I asked her to take my baby daughter as she was getting too restless on my lap during the lesson, Emily only raised her hand to show me her freshly painted nails and said, ” I can’t!”

She walked into our bedroom at night without knocking. We told her not to do this anymore, but you know…. OK, OK, OK! and she’d do it again.

She was told not to shower after 9 pm as the baby slept in the room next to the bathroom. Of course, she’d go in after 9 pm. When I told her to shower earlier, I got the standard response of “OK, OK, OK!”. I reminded her to ask is something was not clear, but she never did. When I asked her if she could dry the dishes, she’d ignore it. Then I showed her the meaning of “to dry the dishes” by demonstrating it, just like I would do in a lesson.  “Please dry the dishes”, I said. “OK, OK, OK!” was her response. I let you guess what she did next. Everything, but drying the dishes.

Two mornings a week, our baby daughter was with the child-care mother up the street. On the forth morning of her first week, I asked Emily to pick her up (we had gone there together before). She refused and only said she couldn’t. When I asked her why, she had no response.

In addition, when I asked her to help carry some of the shopping bags, she conveniently walked away. She lacked common sense and I also sensed some pride, her feeling clever in avoiding work. This was my first time with a possible case of passive aggression. I am no psychologist, but her behavior was very odd, if not aggressive towards me as hostess. There was no sense of doing things together, she only wanted to watch MTV and spend hours in the bathroom.

Quite normal for a teenager, but not as a household helper or the so-called au pair.

She also had the audacity to ask me for English lessons. I can’t remember if I laughed or cried at that moment.

I’ve learned a few things from this experience:

* The following time somebody offered me this short-term arrangement, I politely said, “No, thank you.” Motherhood, a professional life, and family management leave no time for a short-term solution, which requires a lot of prep time, getting used to each other, and training.

* Even though this arrangement might come about through a friendly relationship (visiting distant relative, a friend’s daughter, etc.), a clear structure needs to be set up. This involves a contract with set hours, clearly defined assignments, a daily planner, and a sign-off sheet. There is no room for assumptions, on both sides of the fence.

* What looks like help might be no help at all.

When Emily left, I was quite relieved and happy. I thought I had been tired before Emily came. While she was here, I contemplated taking Prozac. Just kidding. She only had to leave. That was the best remedy.

Anyway, she was like a third child, a teenager who not only did not pull her weight, but added extra work. Yet, she was a stranger, so I kept trying to be polite in asking her to help. Hindsight, I should have yelled at her.  Not that it would have changed her, but I suppressed too much during that time.

I did not realize then how much I suppressed by trying to keep life going. Now I know. But even turning this around in my head, I now know nothing I could have said would have mattered to Emily.

I like to think she is an isolated case, because there are many good people out there. But finding the right one is real tricky. I wasn’t even looking for help, but instead got a real burden on our family life.

Whenever I feel down, I just need to remind myself that Emily isn’t here… and then I feel better.

*au pair (ˌō ˈpe(ə)r/)
a young foreign person, typically a woman, who helps with housework or child care in exchange for room and board.